Welcome to our Fertility, Unfiltered—a series that pulls back the curtain on the twists, turns, and detours on the road to parenthood. Experience raw, firsthand accounts of IVF treatment, egg freezing, and more. (No topic is off-limits.)
Katrina Symonds Hellman, an LA-based creative, has been there and back again in her fertility journey. As someone who has been through the physical and emotional marathon that is IVF, she is reflecting back on the lessons she's learned along the way, in hopes that they may be helpful for others. From saying no to unsolicited advice to building yourself up with confidants you trust—here are five lessons she would tell herself when she started IVF.
Continue reading below for Katrina's firsthand tips:
1. Trust Your Doctor
It's easy to assume one's infertility can be blamed on one's doctor. "Well if it doesn't work will you try a new doctor?" "My friend did it and it worked out super quickly for her, do you want her doctor's info?" "Have you thought about changing doctors? Maybe it's your doctor's fault." I am sure skill sets and experiences range. I'm sure all the doctors have different protocols. But I am also sure that unless you are interested in changing doctors and are asking for recommendations for a new doctor, which is okay, it can feel destructive to listen to unsolicited medical advice, especially when someone simply hasn't gone through it themselves.
My journey took time, but I always trusted my doctor. There is no straight path to fertility and trusting those closest to you on the journey is imperative for your mental health. Some doctors work differently than others and it's important you trust the one who works with you.
Personally, I wanted to work with a doctor who was very direct, and I'm so grateful I did. If you don't trust your doctor, by all means, change it up! Otherwise, trust them. Research shows that positive thinking does help, so try your best to clear the negative thoughts.
2. Run Away from Unsolicited Advice
People will always share their opinions with you in life. Sometimes, it's helpful. But all too often, it isn't, as good intentioned as it may be. I have spent way too many hours of my life fielding unsolicited advice from friends, family, or even strangers. Everyone means well, but ultimately if you aren't asking for someone's advice, try to mindfully tell them to zip it. Everyone has a thought when it comes to IVF: "Relax." "Try acupuncture." "Take herbs." "Maybe try naturally a little longer." "Don't exercise." "No cold food." I've heard it all.
I had to get to a point where I realized that fertility is a mystery to most people and these theories of what helps are mostly just that... theories! At the end of the day, I really just needed to listen to myself and a small, trusted circle.
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3. Ask as Many Questions as You Want
IVF is foreign and intimidating when you start. It's overwhelming, expensive, confusing and intimate. I found myself apologizing for taking up too much time calling my nurses and asking questions. But it's your body, your journey, and it's so normal to want to know everything as its happening to you.
I now know so much more information—stuff that I never thought I'd ever know. And knowledge is power. It's okay to want to be informed so you can make decisions that suit you. It's okay if you aren't into certain medicines and want to change it up. It's okay to ask why they are taking certain blood tests. I joke that I started as a novice and now I have a PhD. I don't, of course, but I certainly feel more informed.
"I joke that I started as a novice and now I have a PHD. I don't, but I certainly feel informed."
4. You Are Not In Control
This may be awful to acknowledge, but it's the truth. We can only make choices that will lead to outcomes. But, unfortunately, we do not get to control the outcome. I started IVF thinking it was something I could "win," as if there was a secret to getting it right and doing it quickly.
What I swiftly learned is that it's different for everyone. Some people have a smaller amount of eggs, some have less active sperm, some have autoimmune issues, and some simply have unexplained fertility issues. There is no direct path to winning IVF. Positivity sure helps—not to be confused with toxic positivity—but for me, what helped was to surrender. I became obsessed with the idea of manifesting but what I learned was that this was another attempt at trying to be in control. I think asking for what you want is always a good idea, but understand that the outcome is always a mystery.
5. Social Media Is Not Real Life
Approximately 19 percent of women experience infertility, according to the CDC. Statistics also show that one in eight pregnancies end in miscarriage. The reality of how commonplace infertility and miscarriage is is often not reflected in social media. I am not advocating for people to share their intimate and often excruciating fertility journeys publicly if they do not feel comfortable, but when you are personally suffering, it's important to remember that what you see on social media is not always the full truth.
I know many people who have gone through IVF and did not share, only to later share their joyous gender reveals as if this just worked so easily. It's completely fine to only share the positive. But to those still struggling, know you are only seeing what someone is willing to share.
I found this very hard, particularly after my first failed transfer. I'd stare at gender reveals, announcements, and feel overwhelmingly sad. I went off of Instagram for a few months as I know comparison is the thief of joy and Instagram was truly making me feel awful. If you notice yourself feeling bad after looking at your phone, chances are someone posted something that made you feel a certain way.
I have always consciously tried to be honest on social media, as I know how negatively it can affect people, and I try my best to be real in that regard. I'm sure I've failed at this many times, but it is the reason I decided to be open about my IVF journey. You are not alone, and if social media makes you feel that way, you can always walk away.
Are you currently TTC? Join our community, Village by Perelel, to connect and find support from women going through the same thing. Plus, shop OB/GYN-founded vitamins specifically formulated for fertility now.
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment and we recommend that you always consult with your healthcare provider. To the extent that this article features the advice of physicians or medical practitioners, the views expressed are the views of the cited expert and do not necessarily represent the views of Perelel.